I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
