Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
PANTIES FOUND
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
