id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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