This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
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do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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