and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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