I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
A+ Viking dick
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
