If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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