i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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