I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
