Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
