Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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