saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
