im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
