I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
