we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
