Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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