I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
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Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
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My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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