We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
