Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.