I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
