i think my mom watched the whole time
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Randomize
