Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
