He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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