you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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