he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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