When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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