im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
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and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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