I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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