oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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