happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
