This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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