Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
