Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
