Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
