your thong is hanging out like whoa
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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