We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
