I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
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Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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