Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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