There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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