Midget sex pt 2 tonight
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.