OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT