My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies