why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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