i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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