We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
