remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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