and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Randomize
