i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
