i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
