this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
