I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
