i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
