Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
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