So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
