I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
