Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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