the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
