the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
